We heard you like clickbait, so we put some clickbait in your clickbait so you can get baited while you click. 

1. Bigpipe is pretty much the opposite of the Hotel California.

With Bigpipe, you can check out any time you like. Unlike other ISPs, you can leave us any time you like too. We don’t lock you in to long-term contracts. In fact, we don’t lock you in to any-term contracts. You sign up, you pay your monthly bill and as long as you keep doing that, you’re with us. But if you’re not happy, or if you’re going on your OE, or if randomly changing ISPs for no particular reason is your inexplicable hobby, you can leave. Any time you like, for any reason. We don’t judge.

2. If you don’t love us, we fail. (Literally.)

Other ISPs keep you in a relationship with them by locking you in, which is actually kind of an unsettling metaphor if you think about it. If you don’t like their service, you pay them to leave. That’s not good for customers, so we do the opposite. Since you can leave Bigpipe any time, we make sure that our customers are happy. We have to, even if we didn’t want to (we do want to.) This means providing the best internet (we were rated #1 in NZ webpage download speed by independent ISP monitor TrueNet right from when we launched) and great customer service. The only thing that keeps you with us is your love, and the only thing you’ll pay to leave is nothing at all.

3. We don’t provide phone access to Crowded House’s greatest hits.

EVERYWHERE YOU GO – your call is important to us. You are number 39 in the queue – ALWAYS TAKE THE WEATHER WITH YOU. No-one likes calling customer support, so we made it so you don’t have to. We’ve ditched the call centre, which means you get faster, better-quality service without being tied to a singing tech support line that – occasionally – features a clueless overseas outsourced operator. If your broadband goes down, email us from your mobile phone, and we’ll get our entirely New Zealand-based support team – I can literally see them from my desk, hi guys – straight on to it. It’s a much better use of your time than sitting on hold with tech support. And if the situation demands it, we’ll be happy to give you a ring.

4. NO CAPS. Also, no crap.

Other ISPs bundle their broadband offerings with bloatware, like unnecessary phone lines, unwanted calling packages, and useless modems. Bigpipe does broadband. That’s it. Just really, really good broadband. This means we can keep our prices low, and make our ADSL, VDSL and fibre offerings the fastest available. There are no data caps and we don’t throttle you. You get to choose your own modem / router. You get to choose if we’re good enough to stick with. You choo choo choose.

5. We don’t use annoying clickbait headlines and numbered-list blog-posts.

Unless the irony is just too good to pass up.

Oh hi, I didn’t see you there. (The reason I didn’t see you is because you are at a computer, and I am at another computer in a completely different place, so it would be kind of weird if I could see you. Try not to think too hard about it, I’m not.) I’m Josh Drummond, the new marketing coordinator at Bigpipe. I wrote the preceding blog post as part of the job interview process. Either the rest of the Bigpipe People liked it, or they didn’t read it, because I got the job. I felt like it’d be a shame not to make use of my parody of horrible clickbait articles making heavy use of The Simpsons memes, so now you get to read it too.