We’re not sure why we thought of asking Bigpipe’s Facebook fans to come up with what the most useless thing they could spend $100 on. But we did, and our fans delivered. We suppose that Bigpipe’s high-quality yet highly-inexpensive internet has given them oodles of disposable income and plenty of time to decide what to do with it. Because some of the stuff that they came up with… yeesh. It made our eyes bleed pain-tears and had us crying ourselves to sleep with sad existential laughter. Useless. So useless. What’s the point of living in a world with endless problems, and endless solutions that address none of them?

Here are some of them. Lots of them, actually.

Wrap battle

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“$100 worth of industrial grade giant bubble wraps,” suggested Anthony Stark, who is clearly tired of saving the world as Iron Man and clearly just wants to spend a few thousand hours squeezing and popping things.

Why.

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What a grate idea.

These boots are made for talkin’

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If you’re introverted and don’t want company, just wear these monstrosities. Maybe put some Nickleback on. Soon there will be no shortage of people desperate to leave you alone.

Goddamn it

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Do you have too few holes in your wall? Rectify the problem with this!

What a glovely idea

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Be honest. You’ve wished your hands were sandwiches and your fingers were ham.

Extra-private browsing

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Sometimes, private browsing just isn’t enough. You need a whatever this is!

O wheely?

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No-one in the history of the universe has ever needed a fork that is also a pizza wheely cutty thing. Happily, that didn’t stop someone inventing one.

Soft drinks and chill

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We asked for useless things, but someone thought posting this very good idea would be a good idea, which it was not. A tiny fridge to store a single can in? Why don’t we own this already?

I get knocked down, but I get up again

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Over 90 percent of all baby-owners have expressed a desire to alter the faces of their infants so they look like the hideous cover to the hideous album “Tubthumping” by the hideous Chumbawumba. Now they can!

Keeping abreast of trends

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We have it on good authority that, when the photo for this box art was taken, this was the only one of hundreds in which the model was not crying with laughter at the recognition that this was the lowest moment in her life, and that anything that happened to her in the future could not possibly be as bad as this.

Ab-solutely not

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The thing we like most about Ab Hancer is that whoever came up with the thing must have had the following conversation in their head at least once.

“Say, Oliver! You’re looking like you’ve been working out your core recently!”
“A! Ha! No, Abdul, not at all – I live on beer, sour skittles, and chips. No, this is my Ab-Hancer! It’s a grid of plastic that I tape to my stomach!”
“Brilliant! Where did you get it? I must own one!”

Cat-alogue item

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At first glance, this 3D-printed Cat Armour is merely a useless invention that your cat would tear you limb from limb rather than wear. On second, third, and thirtieth glances, it is still that. Around the thirty-first glance, though, something magical happens. You think “Actually, my cat has been getting into a lot of fights lately, and could do with some armour.” Naturally, you buy a $4000 3D printer. Your wife argues with you – “That was meant to be the money for taking a holiday, just the two of us! We haven’t been on holiday in years! I miss us, Martin! What have we become? I just don’t know you any more!” It’s the final straw in your wreck of a relationship. She leaves, and in the divorce, she gets both the children and the cat. You are left with cat armour and the knowledge that it was all worth it.

A likely story

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Mark Zuckerberg has already bought this technology student for $40 billion, and now keeps him in the basement at Facebook.

Bitesaber

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The Force Awakens has been revealed to feature a scene with Luke Skywalker eating ramen out of Darth Vader’s mask with a pair of these lightsaber chopsticks. The only dialogue in the scene is Luke endlessly repeating the word “midichlorians,” then laughing hysterically. The scene is 40 minutes long, and critics are already calling it the highlight of the film.

Wait butt why

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We’re not surprised that this post has 2,855 comments, and we’re sure all of them are variations on the word “Finally.”

Hypewriter

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When news of this invention first broke, over ten thousand hipsters died simultaneously of happiness.

Handy

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We hope these come as part of a tw0-for-one offer in which you can also get “Glundies (TM) – They’re gloves for your junk!”

Also handy

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We’d buy this. It’d annoy the right kind of people.

The Winner

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As always, there can be only one. The one, in this case, is Lennon Cameron, who told us the following sob story. “I’ve already brought a cardboard Britney Spears online,” wailed Lennon, “but she gets lonely. I need a noughties Justin Timberlake to keep the dream alive. #Britneyandjustinforever.”

Lennon, we never expected to see the sentence “I’ve already brought a cardboard Britney Spears online, but she gets lonely” in our lives, but now that we have, we’ve realised it was all we needed all along. Just like all cardboard Britney needs is a cardboard Justin Timberlake. Take the $100. Buy yourself your cardboard carouser. Send us photographic proof. Do this, and you win much more than $100, Lennon. You win everything, forever.