Bigpipe Gives Away A Cray-zy Prize

A few weeks ago, Bigpipe decided to give away a Mystery Prize.

The actual mystery prize was a Chromecast. It wasn’t that mysterious, actually; we said what it was in our Facebook post.

Screenshot 2016-02-17 15.51.15

But we decided to have some fun with it. We advertised the tantalising mystery of our mystery prize competition with a picture of some mysterious things. A whale. A bee. A lobster. An escalator. These perfectly normal things were the first to come to mind when we were Google image searching. What, that doesn’t happen to you?

The competition went reasonably normally. At Bigpipe, we make a point of rewarding the best competition entries, rather than just relying on random selection. True to form, there were some excellent entries.

There was this guy, who entered a poem.

poem

Naturally, many people expressed a preference for our ridiculous not-prizes.

Screenshot 2016-02-17 14.56.31

Someone else wanted a whale, for reasons.

Screenshot 2016-02-17 14.57.43

It was all going so well. Then this happened.

Screenshot 2016-02-17 14.59.53

Challenge accepted.

Screenshot 2016-02-17 15.01.06

Come on…

Screenshot 2016-02-17 15.02.54

A bit of peer pressure does the job.

Screenshot 2016-02-17 15.03.38

We’d done our research. It turns out there is a company – actually several companies – in New Zealand who will courier live crayfish to your doorstep. 

So we sent live crayfish to a grouper of our customers on porpoise. Cray-zy? We think this is of-fish-cially the first time any broadband company has done this. We think our hearts are in the right plaice, and we had a reely good time while our customers waited with baited breath, even thought they probably thought it was a red herring up until the last minute. It also gave us the chance to make a carp-load of fish puns. I mean, kahawai not? We know, we know. You’re thinking “Oh, for cod’s sake. I don’t come to your site to trawl through puns. Fin-ish already.” Well, maybe we’ll do batter next time. Haddock enough of this yet? Nah, they’re kraken you up. We’re having a whale of a time. But we’re kind of floundering now. Dolphinately can’t keep this up. Time to pike. Maybe we’ll move to Invercar-gill.

Happily, our customers snappered it right up. They liked it so much they sent photos.

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Bigpipe People Profile: Lannah Frost

At Bigpipe, we pride ourselves on having human staff. One of our humans we are proudest of is Lannah Frost. Find out some facts about this human in the series of questions and answers!

Your Name Here:
Lannah Frost, aka Lannah Banana, aka ‘that girl from Bigpipe’

A/S/L?
13/f/cali hehe

It was YOU we were chatting to back in 2001! Tell us a bit about yourself.
Presented without comment:

Aaargh! Kill it! Kill it with fire! What do you get up to outside of work?
Copy+pasted from my Twitch profile: ‘ll generally be playing Warrior or Necro for pvp (shoutbow or condi war and generic terrormancer). Everything else I’ll be on my ele for. I had some builds here but then they ran away~~
(You can find more Lannah on Twitch here, streaming every sometimes)

That makes sense, to someone, somewhere. What work do you do for Bigpipe?
Someone gave me a swipe card for access in to Bigpipe Towers and I’ve kind of just hung around ever since… ended up drinking the Salesforce Kool-Aid and transformed from a little Business Analyst caterpillar in to a flying Salesforce Administrator butterfly. Legitimately a butterfly, because every seasonal release Salesforce do they change their logo and Spring 16 is a cute little butterfly

Tl;dr – I help make things work so that all of our Bigpipe support emails, chats and orders get to the right people with all of the right information.

Aww. What’s the best thing about Bigpipe?
This one time at band camp when Bigpipe gave away lobsters with free delivery on their Facebook page.

luvbster2

We also get to attend events like Digital Nationz and Armageddon and watch people play with awesome Oculus Rifts. There was this one time we sponsored a League of Legends LCS Finals event at SkyCity and had Alien Isolation on the Oculus Rift and if I recall correctly, someone nearly shat his pants playing. There’s a video of it somewhere I think?

https://youtu.be/970akkWHBKk?t=1m24s

Can I add in a question – what’s the worst thing about Bigpipe?

You may not.
Because if so – people microwave fish for lunch here and it is actually the worst most foul smelling workplace some days.

dsc_0001

That only happened twice! What did you get up to for Christmas?
I’m the most boring person irl don’t ask me this!

Too bad, we’re asking anyway.
I got a Kindle for Christmas (thanks dad & look dad i’m on the internet!) and so all I pretty much did is relax in Auckland and read. I went to the Gold Coast too, but nobody wants to hear about my interactions with Australian males my father’s age poorly attempting to hit on me.

What’s your favourite thing that you use the Internet for?
Dank memes and researching what can infact melt steel beams. Nah but seriously, I love the internet for watching shows and have a hard-on for documentaries… such a David Attenborough fangirl. There was this one documentary I watched on Lightbox over the weekend that talked about New Zealand and how we came from Zealandia, but the best part about it was that it showed how kiwis evolved to have stupid long useless beaks for pecking at bugs in the ground because there was no need for them to fly. TIL!

Favourite video game right now?
I’ve finally started playing Dota2 and I am so god awful at it. Ever since I played Starcraft2 I picked up the ladder anxiety bug and now I’m too afraid to play ranked games because I’ll be too noob. Maybe I should hire some Korean/Chinese ex-pro to teach me.

In other less depressing news, I picked up Tabletop Simulator on Steam because it was 50% off (PRAISE LORD GABEN) and would highly recommend. 8/8 m8.

What is your favourite meme?
YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME THIS IS TOO HARD OF A QUESTION
Thinking about it, I think my fav meme of all time must be Epic Fail Guy. I spent a whole 30 minutes (read: 30 seconds) finding this.

Would you rather fight 100 bee-sized men, or 1 man-sized bee?
I think I’d fight one man-sized bee with a Big Pipe, in the form of a game of Cluedo 

Ahaha, we see what you did there. Maybe. Tell us a joke
Giphy’s word matching ability.

Link us to your current favourite thing on the Internet. 

Hacking in Progress

//s.imgur.com/min/embed.js

What is your spirit animal?
Panda! I used to stream on Twitch and would wear a panda onesie. Speaking of that onesie, we hired a new learning consultant/trainer last year and I interviewed her in said panda onesie. Appropriate work attire was appropriate.

Anything you’d like to add?
The game. You just lost it.

NOOOOOO

 




Good Video Streaming Everyone!

Here at Bigpipe Towers we love statistics, charts, and techy stuff of all kinds. So when Netflix released their stats it was a day of wild celebration. Why? What did we learn? That NZ has good infrastructure for video streaming – and it’s getting better all the time!

Netflix – who you may have heard of – publishes stats on average speeds that different ISPs get to Netflix servers.

In their own words, this is how they calculate this:

The Netflix ISP Speed Index lists the average prime time bitrate for Netflix content streamed to Netflix members during a particular month. For ‘Prime Time’, we calculate the average bitrate of Netflix content in megabits per second (Mbps) streamed by Netflix members per ISP. We measure the speed via all available end user devices. For a small number of devices, we cannot calculate the exact bitrates and streaming via cellular networks is exempted from our measurements. The speed indicated in the Netflix ISP Speed Index is not a measure of the maximum throughput or the maximum capacity of an ISP. 

Translation: This data, when taken at a national average level, is probably a pretty good representation of overall how good the infrastructure in that country is. And New Zealand is doing pretty well.

So whilst it’s not very reasonable to compare ISPs in NZ using the data (see bottom section for the reason why), it is quite reasonable, we think, to compare NZ with, say, Australia.

So, with that explanation of the data out of the way, how does NZ stack up vs other countries?

We downloaded the global data, and what do you know, NZ is sitting at joint 7th out of 32 countries for average throughput!  Not bad, eh?

Screenshot 2016-01-18 11.42.08

No measurement of broadband speed is perfect, of course, but what’s interesting is that other comparisons (like those from the connection monitoring tools Akamai and Sandvine) often place NZ somewhere near the middle of the pack when it comes to performance, whereas using this metric, we are in the top 25% of countries.

Other notable country rankings:
USA – ranked 19th
Australia – ranked 16th
UK – ranked 8th

 

Why this (probably) shouldn’t be used to compare ISPs in NZ

For the USA, where different ISPs usually use different underlying infrastructure that they each own and manage individually, the Netflix rankings are a pretty decent way of comparing how they perform against one another.

However, for NZ, where most ISPs are using the same underlying infrastructure (owned by Chorus for the most part), the differences between the ISPs is mostly reflected in the fact that they will have different proportions of customers on high and low speed plans that generally reflect the infrastructure available in that area.

Put another way: if an ISP has a lot of customers on ADSL (slower) and few on fibre (faster) their average speed (and ranking) will tend to be lower. At Bigpipe, a pretty high proportion of our customers are on ADSL connections – and we know for a fact that our ADSL connections do extremely well with streaming video, in the scheme of things. For instance, YouTube also collects data on streaming speed over time, but it presents data segmented by connection type as well as ISP – and, excellently, Bigpipe ADSL is HD-verified!

Screenshot 2016-01-18 11.59.18

If the Netflix data was also segmented by connection type – the average streaming speed for each ISP on ADSL, VDSL or fibre – then it would get really interesting, because it’d tell you exactly how well each ISP performs at the connection level.

But because it’s an average of all connection types, the differences between the ISPs doesn’t really tell you that one ISP in NZ is ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than the other, it’s just down to the underlying technology their customers have, and how that mix changes over time. So at any given house, based on this data, you cannot say that one ISP will perform better than another for Netflix assuming you are not changing technology at the same time.

For example, Snap (now 2Degrees) was also one of the first ISPs to launch UFB and VDSL, and has experienced a lot growth since then.  So it’s pretty likely to have a very high proportion of customers on these higher speed plans, using quite modern modems with decent wifi, which will skew their average throughput to Netflix up a fair bit.

Spark, on the other hand, being the incumbent, has a very high proportion of the ‘rural’ market – meaning most of the customers who live with ADSL1 will be with Spark, and quite a lot of them will have very old modems with poor wifi that they got when they first got broadband 5+ years ago.  This will skew their average down a bit. Nothing to do with Spark as an ISP, just the nature of the customer technology mix.

Most ISPs have improved their average speed over the past few months. This likely reflects the change in their customer base as the nationwide fibre rollout progresses and more and more people get UFB and VDSL (and also better modems) which brings the average speed up (as well as a one-off adjustment for putting in caching etc).

Finally, when comparing ISPs, note that the speed difference between best and worst isn’t really that much anyway (3.92Mbps for 2Degrees at rank 1 vs 3.47 for Trustpower at bottom rank – a fair bit below the next ‘worst’ at 3.70).



We reckon these rankings are a good indication of New Zealand’s improving internet situation – and that it’s getting better all the time.

Your thoughts? Let us know in the comments!




How to Switch ISPs (Without Ruining Everything)

So you want to change ISPs? Makes sense. Your current ISP probably loads you up with stuff like contracts and on-hold-forever call centres and you’ve decided you want a breath of fresh air from the Bigpipe.

But you are understandably nervous. You’ve heard horror stories from other people about how their switch left them without internet for weeks or continuing to pay their old ISP months after switching.

So we’re here to show you the right way to switch ISPs, minimise downtime and costs, and get you up and running with your new provider (Bigpipe, right?)

Doing It Right

In a few simple steps, this is the right way to go about switching ISPs.*

Do NOT start by contacting your current ISP. If you do this, it’ll screw everything up
1. Place your order with Bigpipe (or the ISP of your choice, which is obviously Bigpipe)
– If your current ISP is one of those annoying ones that requires 30 days notice, (which is most of them – so check!) then you can ask us to connect you, say, 35 days in the future so you don’t end up being double billed – no worries, we’ll wait.
– If you just want to get on Bigpipe goodness ASAP, then choose a convenient date for that (just bear in mind your current ISP might charge you an extra 30 days even though they aren’t providing you a service, just because they like free money and putting ‘gotchas’ in their contract)

other-isps

other isps be like

2. Bigpipe will come back to you in a day or two with a confirmed date. At this point, your connection date is set with Chorus and it is now not possible for your current ISP to accidentally block your move.
3. You can now contact your current ISP and say “Hello Mr ISP, I’m switching to Bigpipe in 30 days. please consider this my notice period. I do NOT want you to disconnect me before that time.” (We’d recommend doing this via email – since that way you have it in writing if they screw it up.)

Look, a cartoon explanation, because cartoons!

bigpipe-connection-cartoon

Important: All the above is for like-for-like technology movements – moving from ADSL or VDSL (copper) to copper, or fibre to fibre.

Moving from copper to fibre is a little different. If you are moving from copper on ISP A to fibre on ISP B, then things get a bit trickier – it’s very difficult to guarantee an installation date for UFB. The safest course of action is to wait until your get UFB up and running and then give notice to your old ISP – it will cost you a little bit more in double charges, but we think that’s better than going without internet.

Now, read on for the more technical explanation.

The Easy Way
As you probably know, the series of tubes that deliver the internet to your house is owned in NZ by a company called Chorus. (There are exceptions to this with fibre broadband, but for the purposes of this article it means pretty much the same thing.)

When you want to get broadband you place an order with your desired ISP (probably Bigpipe) and they then place the order with Chorus.
Then about 4-6 days later, a friendly Chorus technician pootles on out to the phone exchange in his trendy Chorus van, moves some cables and stuff, and then you have internet.

However, when you are dealing with a line that already has internet from another provider sitting on it, things have the potential to get hairy. We’ll need to delve a wee bit into Telco lingo here – but don’t worry, it should all become clear soon enough.

Basically, each line is only ever allowed to have one single unfinished piece of work at a time. (called an ‘open service order’ in telco land). This could be a fault that hasn’t been fixed yet, or a disconnection request for a future date – it doesn’t matter.
Provided your line doesn’t have an existing ‘open service order’ then your new ISP can place a ‘transition’ order with Chorus. This means the technician goes out to the exchange and does the whole job at once – disconnecting you from ISP A, and connecting you to ISP B. This means your downtime should be less than an hour. Nice! That’s what we want.

The Road to Failville
However, if there is an open service order on the line, this blocks any new orders from being placed until that order is completed and you will be on a path to having no internets
This means ISP B cannot even place their order (and start the 4-6 day process) until you are fully disconnected from ISP A. That means at least 4-6 days of having no internet. Boo!

So why would there be an open service order on the line? Unfortunately the most likely answer is that you did what you thought was the right thing and gave your current ISP their 30 day notice of disconnection. Then they decided to place a ‘disconnection order’ (dated 30 days in the future). You didn’t know it at the time, but this action stops your new ISP from even placing their order.

(Also, a quick word about phone lines: they can complicate things a bit. Or a lot. Bigpipe is a naked internet provider, meaning we don’t offer phone lines as part of our internet packages. If you switch to Bigpipe and don’t specifically request otherwise with your current ISP, you will lose your phone line when you switch. If you want to keep your old phone line, you’ll have to do so by organising it with your current provider after you switch to us. We wholeheartedly recommend not bothering with a phone line at all, if you can avoid it – just use your mobile, or if you want, VOIP.)

Movin on up
All this shenanigans about open service orders is also why moving house can be such a pain in the ass. If you are moving into your new place just a day or two after the current tenants are moving out, then it is virtually impossible for your ISP (any ISP!) to get you up and running on the day you move in. The existing tenant will have an open service order (a ‘move address’) and your ISP can’t place your order until that is completed – which means you probably won’t get internet until a week or so after that. It doesn’t matter how much notice you give your ISP – there is nothing they can do but wait it out.

You may be saying to yourself, “well, that sucks!” – and we completely agree. We are working with Chorus to try and sort this out. It sucks for our customers, and sucks for us. It also means we are paying for two Chorus visits (one to disconnect and another to connect), when really it only needs one (to do the disconnect and reconnect at the same time). But in the meantime, if you follow the advice here, you’ll find switching ISPs to be a breeze, rather than a hurricane of frustration and no-internet-fury it can otherwise become.

And now, of course, you can go ahead and switch to Bigpipe 😀




Bigpipe People Profile: Lisa Quayle

Bigpipe loves our programmers – without them, we would not have programmers! (That sentence is what programmers like to call “recursive,” which is something that all programmers love.) Without programmers, we also wouldn’t have a website, and/or exist. They are awesome. So here to talk to you about being awesome is our Senior Developer, Lisa! 

Your Name Here: Lisa Quayle

A/S/L? 26/F/Auckland

Tell us a bit about yourself: I’m a problem solver and love logic puzzles – which lends itself nicely to programming! I love getting involved in organising things and I survive by writing lists… so many lists. I’ve been a huge Pokemon fan since I was 5 years old, but I have trouble deciding which one is my favourite. I also love cats, Alice Cooper, colourful socks, travelling, cricket and Hamilton.

What do you get up to outside of work? I’ve recently started learning to surf, so spending a lot of time in the Coromandel on weekends getting sconned in the face by the surfboard and riding a few waves. I also love cooking with my partner – we make big feasts of deliciousness for dinner.

What work do you do for Bigpipe? I’m a front end software developer – so I work on the HTML, CSS and JavaScript for the Bigpipe website. It’s super fun 😀

What’s the best thing about Bigpipe? No data caps!! Unlimited broadband all the time with no fair use policy is great. It mean’s there’ll be no surprises and you can just download as much as you want whenever you want.

What are you doing for Christmas? Chilling with the extended family over in Katikati. There’s going to be so much delicious food. I can’t wait 😛

What’s your favourite thing that you use the Internet for? Watching teh YouTubez. My fav channels at the moment are the React Channel, and Vsauce.

Favourite video game right now? Super Smash Bros on Wii U. Love taking down my fellow Bigpipers with Pikachu. (But not Josh, who is the best at Smash Bros.) 

What is your favourite meme? Such a hard question… there are so many good ones! Gonna go with He-Man HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA haha. And don’t forget the 10 hour version.

Would you rather fight 100 kiwi-sized men, or 1 man-sized kiwi? I’d go for 1 man-sized kiwi because I reckon if you just grabbed hold of its beak you might be able to just climb up it and jump on top. Then you could just ride it around… I wonder if you could beat the Auckland traffic with it…

Tell us a joke! Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. (credit to a hilarious 10 year old girl who I met at Code Club Aotearoa)

Link us to your current favourite thing on the Internet! My fave thing on the internet at the moment would have to be Scratch. It’s a really cool site where you can learn to code. It’s interactive, colourful and allows you to get started creating games and animations really quickly. I use it in a Code Club where we teach 10 – 12 year old kids how to code. They come up with the coolest, craziest stuff! 

What is your spirit animal? It’s definitely a Pokemon… I’m going to go with Vaporeon because it’s cat-like, but loves the water. 

lisamon

A wild LISAMON appeared! LISAMON used CODE! It’s super effective!




What To Expect When You’re Expecting Fibre

 

It’s been a long time coming, but you’ve done it. Perhaps you’ve watched as the construction crews dug trenches next to roads near you, forcing endless orange pipes into the ground. Perhaps you’ve held a flyer in trembling hands, or beheld an email, announcing the most momentous news of the last 5 billion years or so – fibre is here. All this has been done, and you’ve finally ordered your fibre connection from your ISP of choice (which is, of course, Bigpipe). All that stands between you and the holy grail of ultra-fast fibre broadband is… what?

hearing-fibre

Quite a lot, as it turns out.

But first, in case you didn’t know:

What is fibre?

Fibre is broadband that runs over fibre-optic cables. This is done in much the same way as sharks in Austin Powers: The Spy That Shagged Me: with fricken lasers, as opposed to lesser broadband technologies like ADSL and VDSL, which work over copper wires.

shark

Fibre is quicker than copper because copper is limited to the speed that electricity flows, whereas fibre carries data at the speed of light. Literally. It works like this: let’s say you want to visit a website. We’ll say it’s YouTube. You type in youtube.com in your browser, your computer has a chat to your router, which talks to the modem (this is a slightly shorter conversation if your modem and router are the same box) which has a yarn to a box on the wall, called an optical network terminal, or ONT. The ONT takes your request, turns it into fricken lasers, and zips via your ISP’s fibre network which connects to the Southern Cross trans-Pacific cable which connects to another network in the US which connects to the server farm, which starts streaming the requested data back to you. (This, of course, is dramatically oversimplified, and strictly speaking it’s also wrong, but the gist is right.)

internet-diagram

All this happens quite quickly. Exactly how quickly is a bit too fast to actually comprehend. I just checked, using a process called “pinging”, and it took my computer 1.8 milliseconds to have 56 bytes worth of data-chat with YouTube. To put this into perspective, a full lightning strike takes around 50 milliseconds.

lightning

Speed isn’t everything – you can get low pings on copper connections as well – but the real trick of fibre is in the sheer amount of data it can carry at these high speeds. To put it another way, if we say the internet is made of pipes of varying capacity, fibre is a really big pipe.

smug-face-02

See what we did there?

Now that we’ve explained how our brand name is actually a pun, it’s back to the fibre install process.

If you’re the first person at your residence to have ordered fibre broadband, there’s plenty to do before you can get connected. When you first contact your ISP – which, we’re just going to assume, is us – to get fibre, we get in touch with your LFC and tell them you need fibre. Then your LFC does what they do best: they dig a hole.

lfc-notifications

Everything You Never Wanted To Know About LFCs But Were Afraid To Ask

“But what is an LFC?” you are probably shouting loudly at the sky right now. We’re glad you asked. There are several LFCs, or Local Fibre Companies, in New Zealand, and their job is building and maintaining fibre lines. First, there’s Chorus – which, confusingly, is not actually an LFC, but we’re going to treat it like one for the purposes of this article. Chorus is half of what was Old Telecom, which used to be a government-owned infrastructure company. Old Telecom got sold and had an awful lot of fun being a monopoly for a decade or two before being broken up by the government into two bits: Telecom and Chorus. Chorus kept running the lines and Telecom became a retailer of phone and internet services. After a while, Telecom decided to stop confusing everyone who thought they still ran everything and changed their name to Spark, which confused everyone even more until everyone just kind of got used to it. Chorus still runs the lines, plus they got given the lion’s share of the fibre installation contract by the government, and every internet service provider in the country has to use them for nearly all of their internet service provisioning stuff.

The LFCs Bigpipe works with are Enable (who look after Christchurch and bits of Canterbury) and Ultrafast Fibre (who are fibre-ing Hamilton and a few nearby Waikato towns).

What happens after we talk to your LFC

Unlike the decades-old copper network that ADSL and VDSL run on, fibre is brand new. And because New Zealand’s ultra-fast broadband build utilises fibre to the premises (or FTTP) it means, essentially, that a man in a van is going to come and dig up your front lawn, or perhaps your driveway, and put some laser tubes under it.

If you’re a renter, this is the first hurdle – your LFC needs to get permission from the landlord to come and dig your driveway. Usually this isn’t a major problem, although it can take a while. Most landlords like the idea of having fibre available, though; it’s a great way to make more rent.

(Unless you have a lawn or a driveway that can’t be dug. That’s a whole different problem.)

This is far from the last hurdle. Do you live in a mixed dwelling – like a duplex, or an apartment? If you do, your LFC legally must get permission from every party with an interest in the dwelling, and this can take a while.

Once all the permissions have been signed, your LFC has to do their digging, and as this requires an actual person to show up with a spade, and thanks to everyone (understandably) wanting fibre all at once, there is a bit of a shortage of spade people at the moment. So this bit might take a while.

After this, your LFC must show up again at your property (which they also need permission to do, because of a lingering societal reticence towards strange people showing up uninvited in your house and drilling holes) and install the ONT, which takes the form of a white box that sits on your wall. This, perhaps unsurprisingly, might take a while.

waiting

You may have noticed all the times that we said “this might take a while”. These can add up. Getting fibre can be a long, and occasionally frustrating, process. The good news is: a.) we do our absolute best to smooth out the bumps in the road b.) you can get excellent broadband with Bigpipe’s ADSL or VDSL offerings while you wait and c.) If you’d like to ask us anything about getting fibre, we’re just an email away – and there’s no need to listen to  40 minutes of music  to be told “Er, we’ll need to ask your LFC. Please call back and wait on hold tomorrow.”

with-bigpipe

But good things take time. Eventually, the ONT is connected to the laser tubes in your lawn, which connect to the internet, your LFC tells us that the ONT is connected, we flip the appropriate switches, and you are connected to much-faster-than-lightning fibre broadband!

Untitled-1

TL;DR: Fibre can take a while, but it is definitely worth waiting for. Fibre broadband isn’t just fast – it’s also very reliable. Once you’ve got it, you’ll wonder what you ever did without it. So why not order your fibre today?




Oh God Why: Facebook tells us what it’d do with $100

We’re not sure why we thought of asking Bigpipe’s Facebook fans to come up with what the most useless thing they could spend $100 on. But we did, and our fans delivered. We suppose that Bigpipe’s high-quality yet highly-inexpensive internet has given them oodles of disposable income and plenty of time to decide what to do with it. Because some of the stuff that they came up with… yeesh. It made our eyes bleed pain-tears and had us crying ourselves to sleep with sad existential laughter. Useless. So useless. What’s the point of living in a world with endless problems, and endless solutions that address none of them?

Here are some of them. Lots of them, actually.

Wrap battle

11986430_10201001897325349_7481375443191469626_n.jpg

“$100 worth of industrial grade giant bubble wraps,” suggested Anthony Stark, who is clearly tired of saving the world as Iron Man and clearly just wants to spend a few thousand hours squeezing and popping things.

Why.

12234860_1074153115969654_7092986702888763620_n.jpg

What a grate idea.

These boots are made for talkin’

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If you’re introverted and don’t want company, just wear these monstrosities. Maybe put some Nickleback on. Soon there will be no shortage of people desperate to leave you alone.

Goddamn it

12234956_971050886299677_6958665010609693261_n.jpg

Do you have too few holes in your wall? Rectify the problem with this!

What a glovely idea

12235028_10153719929752445_5723757161496036331_n.jpg

Be honest. You’ve wished your hands were sandwiches and your fingers were ham.

Extra-private browsing

12235052_1248881085128858_3245961716327469486_n.jpg

Sometimes, private browsing just isn’t enough. You need a whatever this is!

O wheely?

12239176_10208501864282990_4555597423640695206_o.jpg

No-one in the history of the universe has ever needed a fork that is also a pizza wheely cutty thing. Happily, that didn’t stop someone inventing one.

Soft drinks and chill

12240003_10203691716772506_3198955911955891156_n.jpg

We asked for useless things, but someone thought posting this very good idea would be a good idea, which it was not. A tiny fridge to store a single can in? Why don’t we own this already?

I get knocked down, but I get up again

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Over 90 percent of all baby-owners have expressed a desire to alter the faces of their infants so they look like the hideous cover to the hideous album “Tubthumping” by the hideous Chumbawumba. Now they can!

Keeping abreast of trends

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We have it on good authority that, when the photo for this box art was taken, this was the only one of hundreds in which the model was not crying with laughter at the recognition that this was the lowest moment in her life, and that anything that happened to her in the future could not possibly be as bad as this.

Ab-solutely not

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The thing we like most about Ab Hancer is that whoever came up with the thing must have had the following conversation in their head at least once.

“Say, Oliver! You’re looking like you’ve been working out your core recently!”
“A! Ha! No, Abdul, not at all – I live on beer, sour skittles, and chips. No, this is my Ab-Hancer! It’s a grid of plastic that I tape to my stomach!”
“Brilliant! Where did you get it? I must own one!”

Cat-alogue item

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At first glance, this 3D-printed Cat Armour is merely a useless invention that your cat would tear you limb from limb rather than wear. On second, third, and thirtieth glances, it is still that. Around the thirty-first glance, though, something magical happens. You think “Actually, my cat has been getting into a lot of fights lately, and could do with some armour.” Naturally, you buy a $4000 3D printer. Your wife argues with you – “That was meant to be the money for taking a holiday, just the two of us! We haven’t been on holiday in years! I miss us, Martin! What have we become? I just don’t know you any more!” It’s the final straw in your wreck of a relationship. She leaves, and in the divorce, she gets both the children and the cat. You are left with cat armour and the knowledge that it was all worth it.

A likely story

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Mark Zuckerberg has already bought this technology student for $40 billion, and now keeps him in the basement at Facebook.

Bitesaber

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The Force Awakens has been revealed to feature a scene with Luke Skywalker eating ramen out of Darth Vader’s mask with a pair of these lightsaber chopsticks. The only dialogue in the scene is Luke endlessly repeating the word “midichlorians,” then laughing hysterically. The scene is 40 minutes long, and critics are already calling it the highlight of the film.

Wait butt why

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We’re not surprised that this post has 2,855 comments, and we’re sure all of them are variations on the word “Finally.”

Hypewriter

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When news of this invention first broke, over ten thousand hipsters died simultaneously of happiness.

Handy

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We hope these come as part of a tw0-for-one offer in which you can also get “Glundies (TM) – They’re gloves for your junk!”

Also handy

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We’d buy this. It’d annoy the right kind of people.

The Winner

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As always, there can be only one. The one, in this case, is Lennon Cameron, who told us the following sob story. “I’ve already brought a cardboard Britney Spears online,” wailed Lennon, “but she gets lonely. I need a noughties Justin Timberlake to keep the dream alive. #Britneyandjustinforever.”

Lennon, we never expected to see the sentence “I’ve already brought a cardboard Britney Spears online, but she gets lonely” in our lives, but now that we have, we’ve realised it was all we needed all along. Just like all cardboard Britney needs is a cardboard Justin Timberlake. Take the $100. Buy yourself your cardboard carouser. Send us photographic proof. Do this, and you win much more than $100, Lennon. You win everything, forever.

 

 




Featured Bigpiper: Vin Lew

At Bigpipe, customers are love, customers are life. We want to share that love with the rest of the world, so we’re showing off a few of our amazing customers. The first of these stunning individuals is @VinLew

Your Name Here: Vincent Rijlaarsdam

vinlew

Vin looks like this.

A/S/L?
21 / Sometimes / Dunedin

Tell us a bit about yourself.
I’m flatting with four others, studying IT, and into the outdoors, sailing, and long romantic walks to the shower.

What do you do for a crust?
Isn’t it called the heel?

Well, technically, yes, but come on. Who even knows that?
Me, apparently.

What Bigpipe plan are you on?
The Gigatown one.

What attracted you to our Big Pipes?
Not needing to worry about flatmates maxing out the pipes with Netflix or Linux ISOs.

Ah, those bandwidth-hungry Linux ISOs. No worrying about them with Bigpipe! On that note, what’s the best thing about the Bigpipe service?
The customer service and dank memes.

What’s your favourite thing that you use your Bigpipes for?
Pretending to work on assignments, sending people gifs (with a soft ‘g’, like it should be).

It’s a hard G. Obviously. Look, no-one talks about “jifs”, unless they want to sound…  Never mind. If Bigpipe were an animal, what would it be?
Bigpipe is the internet, and the internet is cats.

Fair emeowf. Favourite video game right now?
Minesweeper.

LOL no it’s not. What is the dankest meme?
skull_trumpet

Thanks mr skeltal! Next question: Would you rather fight 100 duck-sized men, or 1 man-sized duck?
Probably 100 men dressed as ducks.
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Makes sense. Wait, no it doesn’t. OK. Tell us a joke. 
Can I steal somebody else’s?

Ha, ha, that’s not a joke! Link us to your current favourite video (or thing) on the Internet
Hillary Clinton describing her legs.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_yxGsWHx9o?start=197&feature=oembed&w=1080&h=608]

What is your spirit animal?
spirit-animal1

Anything you’d like to add?
2+8

It’s 10. Thanks for playing, Vin! We wish you the very best bones and calcium. 




Bigpipe People Profile: Enzo

Here at Bigpipe Towers, we’re all about the customer service. That’s why we have in-house customer support. I can actually see the customer care team from where I sit. Look at them. Making sure that customers get served. What a good bunch! We’d like to showcase a few of the people who work hard to keep Bigpipe awesome, so here’s the first of a series of staff profiles – featuring Enzo!

Your Name Here: Enzo

A/S/L? 21/m/auckland

Tell us a bit about yourself: I was born, did school stuff out West Auckland ways, did University stuff at UoA and then I joined the team at at the start of this year (2015).

What do you get up to outside of work? I like going on adventures and finding somewhere new to go! At the moment I’m getting back into scuba diving now that summer is arriving. I also like to try to do some exercise and I definitely like long walks on the beach.

What work do you do for Bigpipe? Billing and Provisioning! Ordering the internets for our customers and then getting the money flowing.

What’s the best thing about Bigpipe? Aside from having sweet broadband, the best thing is the cool Bigpipe people I get to work with everyday – they’re a fairly cool team who can almost provide some competition in a game of Rocket League 😉
This is a lie. The Bigpipe team are much better than the care team at Rocket League and we will prove it, this lunchtime.

What’s your favourite thing that you use the Internet for? Reddit and watching TV and movies – legally, of course!

Favourite video game right now? Currently playing Assassins Creed: Black Flag. I’m only a couple of years behind the trends!

What is the dankest meme? The botched spanish fresco restoration always gets me

What’s the best thing that a customer ever said to you? Probably just “thank you”, it’s the little things that count.

Would you rather fight 100 bee-sized men, or 1 man-sized bee? 1 man-sized bee! They only have one stinger, so I’m sure I could deal with getting impaled by it only once, right?

Tell us a joke. Stolen but golden – “My girlfriend just dumped me for talking to much about video games. What a ridiculous thing to Fallout 4.”

Link us to your current favourite thing on the Internet 10 hour Gandalf Europop nod!

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9RFb8xXZlk?feature=oembed&w=1080&h=608]

What is your spirit animal? That’s easy. A hedgehog.

enzohog

This is what Enzo actually looks like.




A Bedtime Story About Broadband

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If you want to make a happy ending for your own Broadband, sign up now at bigpipe.co.nz.