There Can Be Only One…

As a proud sponsor of this year’s Armageddon Expo, we here at Bigpipe Towers wanted to find the Ultimate Armageddon Fan. The prize: the Ultimate Armageddon Prize Package, with two Emerald VIP passes, a stay in the SkyCity Grand Hotel, a limo trip to the Expo, $200 spending money, and six months free Bigpipe broadband! We put out the call, and Armageddon fans from all over New Zealand responded, with amazing competition entries.

Judging was a nearly impossibly hard task. To make it easier, we decided to up the stakes. So: in addition to announcing the grand prize winner at the end of this post, every entry blogged here will also win a double pass to the Auckland Armageddon Expo! Normally when someone says “you’re all winners,” they’re full of it, but in this case, it’s actually true! Read on…

Drawn together

“AHHHH! I would LOVE to win this!” typed Hannah, loudly. “I save every year to go to armageddon! I always go! But I’ve never been able to afford one of the awesome big passes! It would be so amazing! I finally get to dress up this year, too! I’m so excited! I have to get tickets yet, though. So this would be perfect!”

Then she did another picture!

Hannah! We thought your drawings and your ending every sentence with an exclamation mark were perfect too! So you’ve won a double pass to Armageddon! 

The Man Without Fear

Ben “Uncle Ben” Corcoran declared himself the Ultimate Armageddon Fan. His evidence? A trailer for a short film in which Daredevil and Blade fight vampires in Hell’s Kitchen – aptly portrayed, in this case, by the gritty mean streets of Hamilton. It is fantastic; just the right mix of badassery and ridiculousness. We can’t wait to see the finished film, and the trailer has won Ben – with his double life as a filmmaker filming films about troubled duos with double lives – a double pass to Armageddon! 

[vimeo 141628218 w=1080 h=608]

My Kid Couldn’t Draw That

“I am the bestest fan, because I’ve Never Been Before, but I make sure my Anime Obsessed Daughter goes every year,” says Samantha. She posted some of her daughter’s artwork (from when she was 14!) to back it up. We say: amazing! You get a double pass to Armageddon, so this year you can go together!

Your Logo Here 🙂

“Big Pipe Your Logo Here! :)” said Shaun Moe Coleman. To make his statement less confusing, he posted this picture.

Alright, man. You got us. We’re well into that. If you stick a Bigpipe logo on your Master Chief costume, and wear it to the Expo, we’ll provide you with a double pass to Armageddon! And a Bigpipe sticker.

I am the hope of the universe! I am… Iron Man!

“Because who else has an iron man/Sayian hybrid son but me!?” says Michael Moana. We say: Awww! Have a double pass to Armageddon!

His irony sense is tingling

“Im a pretty big fan of armageddon and Deadpool especially due to his 4th wall breaks but Its my little sisters first armageddon and Id do anything to make it more magical than it already is. We’d love too win,” says Ezra Brough. Well, Ezra, we’d love you too win two, so we’ve given you a double pass to Armageddon!

The Ultimate Fan

“Ok Bigpipe, we thought it easier to explain in person why we are the biggest Armageddon fans in NZ, so here is a little video to help explain why me and my 12yo son should be picked,” says Vince Warnock.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBXGJkimoJE?feature=oembed&w=1080&h=608]

Their video entry is hilarious, sweet, and – we’re sure you’ll agree – convincing. Vince, you and your lad are this year’s ULTIMATE ARMAGEDDON FANS, and you win the ULTIMATE PRIZE! Congratulations!

Congratulations to all who entered. We hope you all come along and visit Bigpipe Broadband at the Armageddon Expo!

Here at Bigpipe we are fascinated with the phenomenon of hold music. Because we do online customer support, it’s not something our customers have to put up with. But other companies still force their customers to listen to endless crackly renditions of repetitive tunes. We thought, IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE. So we asked our Facebook fans what the worst hold music to be stuck with for an hour would be. They delivered. 

1. Death by yodelling
“This is alright at first, but very quickly gets very annoying,” claims Anthony. We’re just surprised anyone could describe yodelling as “alright at first,” as opposed to “fingernails on the blackboard of my mind.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQhqikWnQCU&feature=youtu.be

2. BLACK WIDOW BABY BLACK WIDOW BABY BLACK WIDOW
Iggy Azalea appeared in the most-hated lists with alarming frequency. “I don’t think I could survive an hour of Iggy Azalea, especially an hour of Black Widow. BLACK WIDOW BABY BLACK WIDOW BABY BLACK WIDOW BABY OMG PLZ STOP,” said Kyle. Why? My dirty secret is that I have never once listened to Iggy Azalea. So I did, for science. The results of my experiment were roughly the same as coating a series of razor blades with acid and having them crammed roughly into my ears. It was fun!

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3u22OYqFGo?feature=oembed&w=1080&h=608]

3. We are lost in the darkness. Send help, and snacks
“I had a thought….THIS could be the new worst song,” claimed Damion. At first, we were confused. Tool. Who doesn’t like Tool? They’re one of the most consistently-popular bands in New Zealand! Then we listened to the song. We heard, and our souls were laid bare, and we burned in the cold light. We wept, and gnashed our teeth, and we understood the nature of pain.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_rMBQD5HAA

4. Nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan
“If only I had my own ‘please wait’ button. I’m thinking nyan cat would be my ‘song’ for people I didn’t want to talk to :p,” says David. Nyan Cat! At first it’s cute and fun, then it’s funny, then it’s a bit grating, then it’s been playing for 10 hours and you are convulsing in a pool of rainbow blood. “But in saying that, smooth jazz Nyan cat is soothing.” says D.J. He’s right. It is. Listen. Be soothed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH2-TGUlwu4

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaEmCFiNqP0?feature=oembed&w=1080&h=810]

5. Let It Grow More Annoying
“Only because id proberly start singing then id have to explain why i dislike (ahem) the song. Time to let it go!” says Logan, confusingly. What? Oh. Let It Go. This was a strong contender for worst hold song, probably because – as the saying goes – familiarity breeds insanity. Unsurprisingly, many who nominated this tune were also parents.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7qz13bU?feature=oembed&w=1080&h=608]

6. FUUUUUUUUUUUUU
“The hamster dance song!” suggests Julie-anne. Yay! We remember that song! God, we wish we could forget it!

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qN72LEQnaU?feature=oembed&w=1080&h=810]

7. Wat. 
What in the name of God is this… monstrosity? We don’t know who nominated this, and we don’t care. They shall be removed from the circles of the earth, and cast into eternal darkness, where there is weeping, and gnashing of teeth.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGt_JGHYEO4?feature=oembed&w=1080&h=608]

8. Witty headline here
“My pick for awful music would be this one,” suggests David. Okay. Fair enough. Listen to it. Imagine being forced to hear it for an hour, and feel the will to live slowly slip away.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kAU3B9Pi_U?feature=oembed&w=1080&h=608]

9. OONST OONST OONST OONST
“Oh sorry I thought you said ‘best possible song'” said Matt. Imagine! All the people, raving as one!

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6120QOlsfU?feature=oembed&w=1080&h=608]

10. Cisco hates customers, obviously
“OMG this has GOT to be the worst hold music ever!!!! This is the kind of hold music that makes you really angry and the longer you are on hold the angrier you get!!” says Vik. Yes. Yes. You are right.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6g4dkBF5anU

11. Kill it with fire / best song ever
So there are bad songs, and there is bad singing. Then there is this guy. “So I was on hold this morning and decided to make a video for you guys. Awkward when they suddenly picked up!” chortles Logan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4hvi3_szpU&feature=youtu.be

“But you stopped before the HEYAYAYAYA!” we cried. We begged for more.

And OP delivered. How he delivered.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q18bcb12QM&feature=youtu.be

You win, Logan. You win forever. Truly, this is the hold music they play in Hell.

If you’d like to rid yourself of horrible hold music, why not join Bigpipe? As well as no waiting on hold, we have no caps, no contracts, and simply the best broadband. So there’s no reason why not 🙂

We heard you like clickbait, so we put some clickbait in your clickbait so you can get baited while you click. 

1. Bigpipe is pretty much the opposite of the Hotel California.

With Bigpipe, you can check out any time you like. Unlike other ISPs, you can leave us any time you like too. We don’t lock you in to long-term contracts. In fact, we don’t lock you in to any-term contracts. You sign up, you pay your monthly bill and as long as you keep doing that, you’re with us. But if you’re not happy, or if you’re going on your OE, or if randomly changing ISPs for no particular reason is your inexplicable hobby, you can leave. Any time you like, for any reason. We don’t judge.

2. If you don’t love us, we fail. (Literally.)

Other ISPs keep you in a relationship with them by locking you in, which is actually kind of an unsettling metaphor if you think about it. If you don’t like their service, you pay them to leave. That’s not good for customers, so we do the opposite. Since you can leave Bigpipe any time, we make sure that our customers are happy. We have to, even if we didn’t want to (we do want to.) This means providing the best internet (we were rated #1 in NZ webpage download speed by independent ISP monitor TrueNet right from when we launched) and great customer service. The only thing that keeps you with us is your love, and the only thing you’ll pay to leave is nothing at all.

3. We don’t provide phone access to Crowded House’s greatest hits.

EVERYWHERE YOU GO – your call is important to us. You are number 39 in the queue – ALWAYS TAKE THE WEATHER WITH YOU. No-one likes calling customer support, so we made it so you don’t have to. We’ve ditched the call centre, which means you get faster, better-quality service without being tied to a singing tech support line that – occasionally – features a clueless overseas outsourced operator. If your broadband goes down, email us from your mobile phone, and we’ll get our entirely New Zealand-based support team – I can literally see them from my desk, hi guys – straight on to it. It’s a much better use of your time than sitting on hold with tech support. And if the situation demands it, we’ll be happy to give you a ring.

4. NO CAPS. Also, no crap.

Other ISPs bundle their broadband offerings with bloatware, like unnecessary phone lines, unwanted calling packages, and useless modems. Bigpipe does broadband. That’s it. Just really, really good broadband. This means we can keep our prices low, and make our ADSL, VDSL and fibre offerings the fastest available. There are no data caps and we don’t throttle you. You get to choose your own modem / router. You get to choose if we’re good enough to stick with. You choo choo choose.

5. We don’t use annoying clickbait headlines and numbered-list blog-posts.

Unless the irony is just too good to pass up.

Oh hi, I didn’t see you there. (The reason I didn’t see you is because you are at a computer, and I am at another computer in a completely different place, so it would be kind of weird if I could see you. Try not to think too hard about it, I’m not.) I’m Josh Drummond, the new marketing coordinator at Bigpipe. I wrote the preceding blog post as part of the job interview process. Either the rest of the Bigpipe People liked it, or they didn’t read it, because I got the job. I felt like it’d be a shame not to make use of my parody of horrible clickbait articles making heavy use of The Simpsons memes, so now you get to read it too.